ok
as some of you know as a writer i find inspiration by a lot of things
but my main inspirations is phrases
little quites and words i hear on the radio or what not
ill hear someting and think that would make a good title for a poem then ill jot it down
like one occassion i heard on the radio someone say bingo with marilyn man
and i thought wow an amazing title
so i got writing
its not really a poem its more like a short story
here it is
hope you enjoy
bingo with marilyn manson
by sean gould
weird
very weird
today has been one strange day
it started with a dream
a pshycadelic acid dream of five hundred mermaids all calling my name
wanting me to kiss them
and then i slayed several demons just to rescue those beautiful mermaids from an evil fire dragon
i was just about to recieve my reward
a million shiny gold coins
the king was about to place them in my hand
coin by coin
but then the whole kingdom was reduced to a huge mass of burning flames
and standing amongst those flames was the devil himself
he was staring so hard
his red piercing eyes all ablaze
i knew there and then he wanted to take my soul
but i didnt flinch
i didnt move a muscle
i dont fear no devil
i just looked him straight in his big red eyes and said
"take your best shot"
them i took out a huge magnificent sliver sword from my back pocket
held it high
ready to strike
but the devil was unphased
juat as he was about to turn me in to a japanese fighting toad
i woke up
but i didnt wake up in my cozy little flat in west brom
no
i woke up in a field just outside devon
i was being stared at by a flock of sheep
i was terrified
ok
i know what youre thinking
how the hell can i be scared of a few harmless wooley sheep?
but you dont understand
these were not normal sheep
no
these were mongolian lesser spotted canibal sheep
they were licking their lips
i could tell they thought id make a sumptious breakfast
there was only one thing i could do
run
run for my life
i ran so fast i broke the land speed record
i know this as a fact because i was stopped by a passing representative of the guiness book of records
and i have the certificate to prove it
i looked at my watch
8:50am
this was highly worrying as i had be at work in ten minutes
so i needed to hitch a lift and i needed to do it fast
of course i would of ran but my shoes had fallen apart due to the wear and the presure of how fast i ran from those mongolian canibal sheep
and there was no way i was gonna run back to the west midlands barefooted
that would just be silly
so there i was
hitch hiking
standing on a lay by with my thumb stuck out
to be truthfull i must admit im no good at hitch hiking
three vehicles chose to ignore me
a large circus car
a ninety year old woman on a harley davidson
and a clapped out ford capri being driven by the stig
but then i got lucky
i heard a deafening noise
i looked up
i saw a large hellicopter
its ladders dropped down and i was told told to climb up
the helicopter belonged to an iranian oil tycoon and he offered me a ride
i was only to happy to accept
but how was i to know what was gonna happen next?
how was i to know that there was a big plot to kill this tycoon?
how was i to know there was a bomb on the hellicopter?
the hellicopter exploded two hundred feet up in the air
but luckily i found a spare parachute lying around and by some lucky coincidence i laned safely straight into my place of work
sadly i didnt make it on time
i was one minute late
well nobodies perfect
but things at work were not all tickety boo
it seems that the company could go under at anytime and two million people could lose their jobs and the factory could close down forever
the factory is the size of morroco
there was only one way to save the factory
that would be the invention of a brand new super sandwich
as luck would have it i was a master baker in a former life vand i knew how to make the worlds most delicious bread
and i was happy to ablige
the managing director looked a little aprehensive
he raised his eyebrow and was sweating a little
he screamed loudly
"BUT WHAT WILL GO IN THIS SANDWICH?"
i wasnt worried about this
because for the last five years ive been working on top a secret project in a small shed in bognor regis
ive been working on a breeding project
splicing together five animals
a lamb
a cow
a pig
a turkey
and a chicken
i produced a hybrid mixture of the five animals and bred it for meat
a delicious meat with five different tastes
so i got on the phone and got the meat transported to the factory
then we assembled the perfect sandwich
infact it was the greatest sandwich in the world
word got to buckingham palace in a millisecond
the queen sent for me in her private jet
i presented a sandwich to her majesty
she loved it
instantly i was knighted
and the i joined the queen for afternoon tea
i left just in time to see my psychiatrist
he informs me i lie too much and i live in a fantasy world
i explained im not in a fantasy world im just telling a few porkies for the sake of this story
he advised me to stop right away
but i said i couldnt because the story hasnt finished yet and if it just ended now it would be crap
so he decided to section me
the men in white coast appeared as if by magic
they tried to put me in a straight jacket
but i wasnt gonna put up with it
i pulled out a nice bit of venusian akido john pertwee taught me on the set of doctor who
ok
i know what youre thinking
youre thinking that john pertwee was doctor who between 1970 and 1974 and im only in my late twenties so thats technically impossible
i get your point
but its not impossible
think about it
i have a tardis too
i was bored one day so i nipped back to the seventies had a tutorial from johnny p and home in time for tea
anyway back to the story
where was i?
oh yeah
i escaped the men in white coats with a bit of venusian akido and ran out into the street
this was rush our
the traffic was bumper to bumper
so i ran out into the road
i got run over
but it didnt hurt
knocked me to the ground though
it was a limuosine that knocked me down
i looked up startled
i saw the back door open
and there he was
sir allan sugar
he helped me to my feet
then he insisted that i joined him for dinner at claridges
it would of been rude to say no
so off we went
nothing on the menu really appealed to me
so sir allan or al as i call him got godon ramsey to knock me up some egg and chips
and just for a bit of fun sir allan paid him to serve it wearing a tutu
after that the limo dropped me home
so off to bed i went after such a busy day
what will tomorrow bring?
skinny dipping with cheryl cole?
shooting practice with wayne rooney?
or bingo with marilyn manson?
written 2nd february 2010
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